Love

Toxic Love

28 October 2023 /

Some people are lucky enough to have never met or dealt with a toxic person and in this case good for them and I don’t wish them that. In my case, I ask myself questions: But why do I attract them? and above all what attracts a manipulator? a malicious person? a narcissistic pervert? I invite you to go further in your reflections through my personal experience in order to no longer unconsciously fuel and nourish manipulation in your life!

Summary

What is a toxic person?

« Il s’agit d’un individu qui empoisonne l’existence d’une personne ou d’autres personnes, qui met mal à l’aise en sa présence, auprès duquel on ne se sent pas aimable »

Virginie Megglé, psychanalyste

From my personal experience, I confirm that a toxic relationship kills you little by little. I experienced different forms of toxicity as if the other was administering poison to me every day without my knowledge. Then, in order to avoid repeated stressful situations: bullying, reproaches and humiliation, I myself voluntarily drank the poison so that my tormentor would stop harassing me. So I was in survival mode. But the day I realized that this was not the solution, it was already too late because I was already at the bottom of the hole.

We must clearly distinguish between a toxic person and a narcissistic pervert. A toxic person is not necessarily a narcissistic pervert. For example, my twin flame is not a narcissistic pervert, he just has toxic behaviors. We all have toxic behaviors, towards others and towards ourselves, you just have to be aware of it so as not to ruin the lives of others and your own life! A narcissistic pervert does not tolerate us escaping his control so he will do everything to make our hole even deeper!

To help you see more clearly, there is this great support site for victims of toxic relationships with narcissistic perverts: https://www.pervers-narcissique.com/. Currently there are e-books which are all free from Pascal Couderc (clinical psychologist). Download them without further delay. These are nuggets!

This is why it is important for my personal reconstruction that I bring my light, my testimony on the web too. Toxic acts should never be minimized because when repeated they are destructive. It is clearly a poison that is slowly destroying us without us realizing it and it is all the more difficult to prove it, especially in court. Their perversion to hurt us is limitless if you give them power over you.

Why do I live in toxic relationships?

It is also very important to understand the reason why I had to experience toxic romantic relationships in order to be able to free myself from them. The reason was emotional dependence. It is therefore important to understand my mode of functioning, my unconscious thoughts linked to my childhood injuries. My reconstruction was long and painful following a breakup with a toxic person. I had to give myself a lot of time for myself and kindness. This is why I chose to work only part-time. I finally listened to myself! Later, I realized that I was a hypersensitive person, which explains my severe fatigue. It took me time to recharge my batteries since I was an emotional sponge.

My first non-toxic romantic relationship 🙂

After a successful personal reconstruction, I met my ex-Teddy. With him, I was able, for the first time, to live a non-toxic love life. I was thus able to have a point of comparison by being fully in a respectful and secure couple space. I thought that love had to rhyme with suffering when it didn’t. I learned so much about myself through my relationship with Nounours. I learned to be on the path to authenticity in complete safety.

Even after our breakup, it gave way to a very beautiful friendship, healthy and rich in sharing. This hasn’t been the case with my other relationships. They continued not to take their share of responsibility by reproaching me, constantly accusing me and fueling resentment. None of them became my friends. They all tried but when I refused their friendship politely and with a smile, they didn’t like it so they didn’t hesitate to accuse me again and again. They are clearly fake and hypocritical people, or simply suffering people who have an unhealthy desire to be on a pedestal.

I would like to take this opportunity to tell you that it is a false belief to think that you cannot be friends with an ex. I have experienced it and it is truly a bonus in my life. We have a lot of affection for each other and that brings me joy. I had one of my exes who collected his exes for personal ego while there was no sharing, just nostalgia for the past, and there was an unhealthy bond since some were still in love with him.

Toxicity comes from our fears

Then I had to experience a mystical experience. I loved a person and I am convinced that I loved them in several past lives, what is crazy is that it is reciprocal, the other also has this feeling. I discovered that we were on a twin flame journey. So I fell into the trap of toxicity again with this person when I thought I was vaccinated.

With hindsight (after knowing how to get back up) I understood that I didn’t respect myself either in this relationship which was so beautiful, perfect and so powerful but it became very complicated and toxic because of our fears. It was as if this divine love was a drug and you wanted to be high on it every time. It is known that any excess is harmful. This therefore created toxicity. Our respective fears resurfaced. The fear of losing “this drug” and of being abandoned by the other because he finally “found” me after x previous lives! I had become stifling and controlling for him. He is afraid that I will reject him one day because each time all my romantic breakups were initiated by me. So he prefers to reject me so as not to experience this love but rather a friendship. I realized that I was literally a toxic person to my twin flame because I was clinging to him. This is emotional dependence to the power of 1000.

I fought to be loved by others, no matter how hard I tried it was never enough. It is important to listen to ourselves, to listen to our suffering and to put awareness into it in order to find the strength to change the course of our path. It was really difficult! I tested toxicity at 1000 power. I was begging for attention and love. This twin flame journey has been a beautiful life lesson through the force of circumstances to heal myself and be fully aware of this toxicity generated by me or by others. What allowed me not to feel alone was reading the articles by Esther Valentin & Mathieu Vénisse (below) to gain self-esteem.

Become aware!

1) Esther Valentin’s videos

I invite you to watch Esther Valentin’s “Toxicity and Manipulation” playlist (63 in total to date). What she says is screamingly true because it totally speaks to me. She talks about toxicity so well that I’m just going to jump back and confirm her words by giving you examples from my experience.

I’ll provide you with some video links that will allow you to form your own idea:

The elements to recognize a toxic relationship according to Esther Valentin:

  • You feel a loss of energy in this relationship.
  • This relationship damages your self-esteem.
  • This relationship causes you to have negative behaviors and feelings.
  • Fear of setting limits is an indicator that you cannot be yourself.
  • You feel a latent unease, discomfort in this relationship

2) The Penser-Agir articles by Mathieu Vénisse

3) My personal testimony

Being Manipulated

This drawing perfectly represents the importance of the toxic person living within appearances. We were apparently a happy couple but in our intimacy I was his toy to satisfy all his desires and fantasies without ever taking my needs into consideration. I was gradually losing my identity to be his shadow.

My thoughts and actions were often criticized and judged when they didn’t go his way. He accused me of being manipulated by the conditioning of my parents, of society and of being incapable of making the right decisions while strangely, his always seemed to be good when it came to his personal interest. It was therefore impossible for me to position myself in front of him because he was changing the rules.

Being Sequestered

This drawing represents well the way in which the toxic person deprived me of my freedom. He was angry with this world of which he did not see the beauty but rather the dark, malevolent, carcinogenic sides to the point that it almost became paranoia. He thus blamed society when nothing was going well in his life.

In our space as a couple, he made it his duty to save me from this “rotten” world by advocating ecology but he is the first to benefit from the system. He constantly blows hot and cold without ever being able to position myself because the rules constantly change depending on his mood. No matter what I do, nothing satisfies him. It is therefore impossible to reason with him.

Being Stabbed

He is the most vile and harmful of people because with him I had terrible anxiety attacks. He has no qualms and he likes to attack the weakest, especially since I had no family or friends who could protect me or with whom I could take refuge. He is devoid of honor and courage. He will do everything to destroy his victim by using the most vile and immoral methods. He is leading a personal vendetta with a most despicable strategy to place all the blame on me. He always needed a third person to show his domination over his victim. He likes to interpret things his way and highlight all my faults. He needs the red carpet to be rolled out for him!

I noticed that all these false accusations and reproaches against me are exactly representative of what he is. For example the fact that he accused me of being unfaithful to him when that was not the case. Yet he knows it because he has violated my privacy for years. I was blameless while he was unfaithful to me (thinking that I was unaware).

Being Buried

He is a person who has the art of putting me at ease, and I didn’t realize that he was digging a hole for me to fall into. And as soon as I get offended by what he does, he blabs a thousand excuses to get out of it, and worse, he finds bogus excuses for not helping me get through it. This person immediately puts himself in the position of victim and does not understand why I am outraged when he has always acted for my good.

So I’m the problem in addition to behaving like an ungrateful person. This was a good excuse for him not to help me. Then once he got out of this abyss, he enjoyed coming back to me as if nothing had happened and took advantage of my empathy, my benevolence and kindness. I experienced this situation in the sentimental but also family sphere.

If, like me, you have experienced these 4 feelings of being someone else’s shadow, of being kidnapped, of being stabbed and then buried, then it is because you are experiencing a toxic relationship and of course this could be the friendly, family or professional level.

The points I remember from my testimony:
– You are afraid of him, he dominates you and you do not feel safe.
– You no longer have any self-esteem. You lose your dignity and identity.
– No dialogue is possible with him because he is always right.

Dangerous toxic behaviors

Here are the 4 dangerous manipulative attitudes according to Esther Valentin:

  • 1st behavior: the other blows hot and cold, he has a paradoxical attitude
  • 2nd behavior: constant reproaches
  • 3rd behavior: the other takes responsibility for everything. The other is not responsible for anything
  • 4th behavior: not listening to you

An impact on our health

A toxic person clearly has two faces. At first glance he is a charming man, especially in the eyes of everyone, whereas in private he is an unhealthy, selfish and egotistical being. I felt insignificant, like a puppet that he could manipulate and use according to his moods and desires. All of this led me to emotional and physical exhaustion. It had a terrible impact on my health. I had psychosomatic illnesses: insomnia, hair loss, coughing fits, burn-out, running away and repeated anxiety attacks. So I started to listen to these alarm bells because I no longer recognized myself. Where has my joy of living gone?

It was by listening to my survival instinct that I started to rebel but it was already too late because the toxic person did everything to keep me silent so as not to tarnish his image as a charming man in the eyes of his surroundings. He resorts to emotional blackmail! At this point, my instinct was telling me to run, to leave him at all costs. He will never be the one to leave you and unfortunately it is up to you to do so! Be aware of this. It feeds on you.

Domestic violence and threats

Two of my exes started to physically attack me. It happened when I started to say stop, to rebel in a way. The first strangled me so that I would stop saying that I was not happy (this reflects a failure in him). I wasn’t afraid of him because we were on a train. He doesn’t want to risk sullying his reputation. He banged his fist on the window. He ended up in the emergency room with stitches. Whose fault is it ? Mine of course!

While the other ex twisted my wrist because he couldn’t stand to see my lack of love, my disinterest in what he could do to me, putting me on the street. He could do whatever he wanted, I didn’t care. He apologized and I believed him and it started again. I was living in a vicious circle.

I don’t wish anyone to experience these situations. It’s not love. This is clearly domination and therefore violence. When I talk about my experience in my romantic relationships (good and happy), it is only these two who threatened me with legal action for defamation. It is the height ! Fortunately there are testimonies of strong women who dare to express themselves, like Camille Lellouche for example. She moved me terribly. When I talked about my experience with my toxic ex, I immediately cried, which is proof that I was not cured. Now I am cured just like Camille Lellouche, ready to write this article.

Concretely, what can you do to get out of it?

Faced with these toxic relationships, I had no real help from professionals. I listened to myself, following my survival instinct and common sense. That’s why I’m explaining to you how I got out of all that, even though my reconstruction was very long and difficult, I was very weakened. I had microtraumas. I lived in precariousness. I had a very bad experience with three psychologists from different sectors because I needed to be “saved” and “delivered”. I tested everything, one from the private sector, one from the Medical Psychological Center, one from the Victime association. They all failed me in the face of justice. My lawyer and the courts do not know how to handle this very difficult case where you have to prove that you are the victim of a toxic person. So I didn’t do any therapy because I no longer trusted them! But life forced me to trust health professionals again, I had no choice because legal proceedings were initiated by my ex.

1) Drawing and writing, therapeutic tools

I focused on what made me happy. It was drawing and writing. This is a powerful tool that I have found. My blogs and sites are therefore the result of my long personal reconstruction which taught me to really know myself, what I am, and to love myself above all!

Here I talk about the benefits of drawing: Why draw?

Here I talk about the benefits of writing: Why write for yourself?

Then there were beautiful treasures in my life: friends, great opportunities, sporting activity, etc. Connect with your inner child if you feel lost and overworked. I learned to ask for help too.

Below is a video with Alex Cormont (he is part of the same team with Esther Valentin) & Stéphanie Dordain (whose work I am a fan of). It gives tips for not attracting toxic people, and therefore attracting good people! I tell myself that if I had seen this kind of video at the time, it would have been a real shortcut in my personal reconstruction.

2) Take small steps

I adopted Lilou Macé’s 100 day challenge method. It saved my life! It is a very powerful tool for connecting to ourselves and what is essential in our life, to self-love and love of life by cultivating gratitude. In any case, it’s a method that suits my personality perfectly. And thanks to this method, I was able to meet my ex-Teddy.

So when I received gratuitous and infantile attacks like this: “Continue dreaming your life instead of living it” then I was reassured to see that the 100 day challenge is proof of my personal achievement. So I know what I’m worth and I know what I’ve accomplished in my life even if I need more time, but at least I’ve planted the seeds to get there!

3) Forgive yourself for your mistakes

I know that I have my share of responsibility in all these toxic love bonds. I gave them power over me, I allowed them to be my executioners and me their victim. I didn’t love myself for my true worth. I didn’t see my value and the other didn’t value me either. It was rather up to me to highlight them.

You have to learn to forgive yourself. I had no choice but to do it according to my physical and emotional capabilities at the time. I need to stop inflicting this guilt on myself and I am not responsible for the actions of toxic people. They have free will. If they have decided to act as they wish, then let them assume the consequences of their responsibility. Forgiveness taught me to talk better about my past without shame and without guilt for having been so weak but I do not regret anything because I was sincere in my feelings of love until the end and I did this as I could with my current abilities.

3) Let go

It’s important to let go. It’s telling ourselves that we can’t control anything. It’s letting go of life.

When did I know I was healed? It was when I was able to talk about this painful past without wanting to cry. In the past I couldn’t talk about it without it making me cry because it made me feel all this humiliating and degrading violence, so unjust. It wasn’t love.

Mal-Amour since childhood: family toxicity

It is obvious that self-love allows you to attract the people you need. I have to be grateful for these toxic people because they are the mirror of my toxicity also towards myself because I was a broken person and without self-love. I am just as much to blame as my exes because I didn’t love myself enough for people to want to cherish and value me. I was emotionally dependent. I gave them all the power to play me because:

  • I didn’t love myself enough
  • I didn’t realize my worth

I prefer to be frank, honest, not surrounded by many people, and to be able to look at myself in a mirror rather than being a liar, a hypocrite, surrounded by vermin.

Marilyn Monroe

I like Marilyn Monroe’s words even if she had a very tragic destiny. I will try not to be the plaything of others and to always prioritize myself.

Self-love is the key, the miracle to all my problems! If you feel lost, always come back to self-love! Don’t give anyone power over you, you are a Treasure, a Love. I proclaim this right loud and clear today. I finally conquered my demons of Evil-Self-Love and by highlighting all the richness that I have in my life.

For the first time, I have never been so close to the very essence of the word freedom! My life has been transformed, I feel it, I know it! I am filled with gratitude for life.

To discover…

Comic strip “So much the worse for love” by Sophie Lambda

This is a comic book that I highly recommend!

They say that a picture is worth a thousand words and you will definitely find pages that I found very telling and very impactful! For example, I’ll show you the three pages which perfectly sum up what I felt!

At the end there are information pages on organizations and associations (but it’s in Paris) but I think you can find it in our city if you look hard too! It also talks about the violenceometer, a prevention tool for violence against young women. I advise you to consult it, it is so well done!!! You can retrieve it from this link: https://www.centre-hubertine-auclert.fr/outil/brochure-violentometre

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